In the theoretical, napkin-pitch stage, you can at least see the thought-process here: Take a billiards game designed for a portable platform (somewhere out there, the hard work has already been done, right? Right?); then, aim the whole package squarely at the stereotypically-horny male gamer by playing up the "sexy female shooter" angle (um, but be sure to save money by not featuring any real-world celebrity sexy female shooters); and finally, just so that no D-student is left behind, endeavor to sex the whole thing up with unlockable, racy photo and video "rewards," and hey-Presto: A game that should have worked on a kind of lowest-common-denominator basis, and totally, totally doesn't.

In terms of presentation, it's a pretty humble package. A variety of billiard game types (8, 10 and 15-ball modes, 9-ball both faux and basically real, ditto for Snooker), rotation pool and Killer. There's no overarching structure to even the single-player experience: Just plow through the different game types, gradually unlocking new ball sets, cues and pool-room environments for show.

Occasionally, you'll earn yourself a new, ambient (albeit generic) music track or a differently-colored table whose felt is digitally imprinted with the faint, suggestive image of one B- or C-list model or another (in itself, not a bad real-world idea). Nothing except the "ball speed" makes any real difference to the gameplay -- and none of those selectable speeds, from "slow" to "fast," make the actual ball-physics ring true.

About the fifth time you break an 8-ball rack at "full power" only to have one or two target balls barely make the rails or any actual pockets, you're probably ready to start putting this game aside.

Here's the thing that's very strange: The biggest insult here is not the lackluster physics engine (with its randomly sluggish, depleted-neutronium breaks and opponent AI that ranges from Allison Fisher to Fisher Price), the meandering lack of any structure, the painful, forced innuendo of the voice-actresses (or the "actors") or the meaningless interchangeability of the environs. No, the biggest insult is that, for a game that goes out of its way to tout its own sex appeal and an “M” rating for partial nudity, the "racy" unlockable content -- like most of the rest of the title -- is simply tame and, well, lame. Repeat: This is a game that, on its own lowbrow level, should have worked. Repeat repeat: It didn't.
 
 

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